In Between

I stumbled out of something that doesn't have a name. I've decided to call it the In Between (Netflix beat me to The Upside Down. That would've been perfect). It feels like walking out of a tsunami, dazed and grateful I'm alive. It was a half-life that was an amalgamation of dissociation, C-PTSD symptoms, depression, and fearful-avoidant attachment style symptoms that snowballed out of control. It was a perfect storm of those constant companions, triggers, life events, emotional flashbacks, stressors that were beyond my control, and Christina and I falling into patterns that didn't allow for us to repair anything when dysregulations happened (hello, we literally cannot finish an entire sentence to one another without interruption). 

I was desperately trying to help myself with multiple therapies and therapists (EMDR, talk therapy, somatic experiencing, plant medicine, microdosing, energy work, Internal Family Systems), but I was chasing a shadow. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't see what it was. I knew I was angry, but I couldn't identify why. I knew I was grieving, but I couldn't pinpoint why. I knew I was anxious, but didn't know why. So I tried to heal myself with everything I could, but it was like flicking drops of water from my fingertips onto a raging forest fire.

After a recent fight, I allowed myself to remain angry for several days. I don't know the last time I did that. Christina's anxious attachment style means that she frantically tries to repair the connection, even when we are fully in fight/freeze stress responses. I haven't been allowed to just sit in my emotions, when for me that's SO necessary. It takes me such a long time to identify my feelings and process them, that I HAVE to sit in them. Otherwise, I'm existing in perpetual repression. That's exactly what had happened. I was chronically anxious, irritable, and angry. Charlie helped me realize the anxiety was a by product of repressed anger. The anger was the first connection I restored; it pulled back the curtain to everything else. I have felt unceasingly judged, resented, and talked down to. Anger showed up to restore my dignity and defend my self worth (and that's saying a fucking lot, given I exist in a near-constant state of toxic shame).

I don't need to be saved.

I don't need to be told how to function.

I don't need to be told how to parent.

I don't need to be undermined.

I don't need to be made to believe that I cannot trust myself. I have lived that my entire life.

I need someone who loves and supports ME. Not the version of me that they think is the better version, because they've fixed my flaws or at least pointed them out.

I need someone who treats me like an equal. Who says, "whatever you think honey. I trust you. You make good decisions."

Having been withdrawn and disconnected for more than 80% of the time over the past 18 months, naturally, my relationship with my wife has suffered in numerous ways. I've been able to update her somewhat on the realizations I've had, but damage has been done to us both. I accept accountability for myself and the impact of my state of mind/being on everyone around me. Christina has responsibility for things all her own that have been to her/our detriment. She is not emotionally in a space that is conducive to open discussion. So here I am. Wading through this with my therapist, a couple of close friends and this blog. Christina can't be my person for this. I don't know what our future will look like. I can only take things one day at a time. My healing isn't dependent on her involvement or support. It happens regardless of her position in or out of my life. My only job at this moment is to hold space and compassion for myself while I try to unravel how things got so intricately messy.