I respectfully do not care.

I've told Christina a few times now that I am not even trying to be seen anymore; only in moments of exasperation and after she's asked a question that prompts it. She takes that as giving up, I think, and she's mad because I didn't make a declaration about it...but it didn’t happen suddenly. There wasn’t a moment where I made a conscious decision. This has been slowly happening over a long time. Today I realized it's more than not trying to be seen - it's that I actually want to be invisible again. I am angry and resentful. I feel hopeless and helpless inside my own body. I've been holding on to unidentified anger for a long time now, and even when I tried to understand what it was about, I couldn't see it. I believe all this is at the heart of it. I don’t even want to tell her any of this, because what I say doesn’t matter at all. She doesn’t listen to hear me anymore. She only listens to dispute. She loves to say “perception is reality” unless it appl

 My first night in ceremony with aya was violent. Although once the medicine took root I was no longer "in the room," the place I found myself was physically violent and terrifying. I actually wished for death. It would have been merciful. I wanted help, but couldn't ask for it. I would come to long enough to begin the thought, "I need help," but before I could finish it, I would be pulled under again. It felt like what I imagine it must feel like to swept away in a tsunami, suffocating and simultaneously being thrashed about under water with massive amounts of debris presenting obstacles your body slams into with magnificent force, then continuing to rake you forward in the torrent. Sometimes when I awoke, I was vomiting and had no idea how long I had been. I didn't know if I was puking into a bucket, onto the floor, or onto myself. Once I was able to say "help me," but when everyone came over to assist, I couldn't speak. Nothing that they off