De Ja Vu

We're working through my core (untrue) belief systems in EMDR and it's more tangled than I imagined. It's always a combination of "no one sees me," "no one hears me," "no one understands me," I can't trust anyone," "I can't trust myself," and "I have to be ready/prepared so I'm never caught off guard." I never stopped to think what order they were birthed in. Since I don't remember a time when I didn't feel those things deeply, I can't attach them to specific memories of inception.

It's kind of a chicken/egg thing. Always ready for my reality to be denied, I became a person who documents things. Writing and photography became crafts I practiced religiously at various times in my life. They were tangible proof, even to me, that I was real, I was there, and these things really happened. They were infallible. I could go back a hundred times and the words or images would never falter. They also became stand-ins for my flimsy memory (due to dissociation), but that's another story...

There were times in my life, however, that having "proof" of things did not provide the security I'd hoped for. The most traumatic was during the custody litigation with Julie. I had tons of evidence that supported the facts that I was sharing, and it felt like it did not matter. Unless she was beating Ashley to the brink of death, Bobby (the guardian ad litem) was going to give Julie a typical amount of visitation. Never mind that she was literally starving her. Ashley used to get tube feedings because she couldn't maintain her weight based on diet alone, and Julie would send her home having not given her any of it. The pump kept track of the total volume delivered which stayed at exactly the same amount I'd sent it at, and Ashley's weight dropped by the exact liquid weight she should have received every time she went. I was having her weighed at the hospital to be certain the scale was accurate. It didn't matter.

So I continue with this variable anxiety about documentation and being believed... And although I feel sometimes like my life depends on the quality and quantity of my documentation, I'm simultaneously terrified that it will not even matter.

I'm attempting to find a balance between the positive aspects of my ability to document clear, compelling information and the necessity of allowing it to be whatever it will become. I feel at peace in the current litigation because I feel as though I don't have a lot to lose. Ashley spends the majority of her time at Julie's and comes here for spurts several times a year, not on any particular schedule. Julie is attending all her doctors appts, although she asks me hundreds of questions about everything related to her medical needs. 

I suppose the worst thing that could happen is that Julie could push me out of Ashley's life and blame me. But in a very real way, she has already done that. She has been damaging our relationship for the last 6 years. If she is awarded guardianship over me, I have decided to no longer be on call to answer and do things for her that she should know as a primary caregiver. It would be much worse if Ashley was here full time and I was afraid of something being taken away. I don't want to view her as an object for us to fight over, and the current set up helps me not feel that way.

I am trying to stay grounded in the moments when I feel at peace knowing I've done all I can, and that I've done it all with integrity and Ashley's best interests at heart. That has to be enough.